I saw there was a book called Five People You Will Meet In Heaven, that was one of the biggest bestsellers of all time. The author made a buttload of money. And I thought to myself, “I’d like to write one of the biggest bestsellers of all time, too.” So I figured, if people bought that book, they’ll buy five times as many books if I wrote a book about the 25 people you’ll meet in heaven. And here it is below:
25. Your grandparents
And despite the fact that money holds no value up there, you can rest assured that every year you will find that they have sent you a slightly-humorous card with a check for five dollars inside.
24. Your first dog
In Heaven, he will be given an intelligence 1000 times greater than that which he possessed on Earth. Not that he’ll be a genius, but he’ll about as smart as your average human being, or twice as smart as your average Flavor of Love contestant. However, your reunion will be bittersweet; he’ll be so embarrassed by his behaviour as your pet – running when you call, chasing sticks, allowing you to cut off his testicles – that he’ll spend a great deal of time avoiding you. He’ll let your emails go unanswered, send your calls to voice mail, and when you ring his bell one evening, he’ll turn off his lights, duck behind the furniture, and pretend not to be home. When you finally run into each other at a party, it will be awkward.
23. Christopher Hitchens
And man, he does not want to talk about it.
22. That preacher you saw screaming in Times Square in ’87
He will be the single smuggest man in Heaven, and will spend a lot of time saying things like, “I bet those tourists didn’t think it was so funny to take my picture now.” Or “Who’s laughing now, pimp and prostitutes and dealers?” Problem is, just because he’s right doesn’t mean he isn’t completely nuts – the nicest thing you can do is smile, nod, and leave as quickly as possible.
21. William Shakespeare
And despite being heralded as one of the greatest playwrights in the history of the English language, he’s still a professional writer, and so he’ll spend an hour complaining to you about how death has really cut down on the amount of ork he’s being offered, and then will ask if you know anyone in the lit department at CAA.
And you will find that He is one of those bosses that likes to think of Himself as a “nice guy” who creates a “fun atmosphere” and likes to rope himself into the kind of team-building exercises that gets the occasional angel like Lucifer seeking employment with the competition. And even if He isn’t technically everywhere, it will feel like it, especially since He seems to always be walking up behind you right when you’re about to say something snarky about Him.
19. A surprising amount of personal injury attorneys
But they’re only there to scrub toilets as part of a work-release program from an increasingly-overcrowded Hell.
18. The guy who wrote the Bible
You’ll meet him at a party where he will explain that a lot has been lost in translation from the original Hebrew; for instance the story of Noah was originally about an increasingly-exasperated everyman whose family vacation is cut short by a series of crazy misadventures, culminating in a cruise through the worst storm ever seen. Then he will tell you that he originally envisioned Jack Lemmon in the role, but is now in talks with Steve Martin’s people. Then you will buy him a drink to go away.
17. Jimi Hendrix
He runs a Guitar Center up there, and he will kick you out if you start playing “Stairway.”
16. The poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge
He’s a little nuts, really, and very hard to talk to. But you’ll hang with him for the same reason everyone else does; he knows all the good dealers.
Nice guy, but maybe enjoys a little too much wondering aloud how all his critics are doing “down there.”
14. The Rolling Stones
FOR THREE NIGHTS ONLY! Seriously, those guys will tour anywhere they can get paid.
13. The sculptor Michaelangelo
In one of those ironic twists of fate, he met the actual Biblical David in line in a Starbucks (and yes, there’s a Starbucks up there. There’s a Starbucks everywhere; in Heaven, though, the coffee doesn’t taste burnt). David was going through a breakup, and one thing led to another, and now they live together, even though the real David is a bit hairier and paunchier than Michaelangelo imagined he’d be.
12. A Large Number of Gay People
And if that makes you uncomfortable, don’t worry; odds are good you won’t be able to afford to live or shop in their neighborhood, anyway.
11. Martin Luther King
He’ll tell you that he has a brand-new dream; one that involves waiting for James Earl Ray with a sock full of batteries. Then, when he sees the look on your face, he’ll tell you to relax; it’s just a joke. But you can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s kinda not kidding.
10. Marco Polo
For a world-famous explorer and conqueror of new lands, you’ll find him surprisingly approachable. He’s also surprisingly easy to talk to. Not that you’ll know, because as you begin your first and last conversation with him, a friend of his will approach and addresses him as “Marco!” You will, without even thinking, instinctively reply, “POLO!” It will be worth it.
09. Dr. Jack Kevorkian
In a case of true celestial irony, none of his patients will be there, as suicide is still considered by Heavenly authorities to be a mortal sin.
08. Friedrich Nietszche
The famous German philosopher. Be warned that shortly after his arrival, his friends found him to be “too intense,” and so to “mellow him out a bit” they got him to start smoking weed. You’ll be disappointed to find that now he spends a lot of time sitting on his couch, eating Captain Crunch straight from the box, and lecturing to anyone who will listen that the secret of life can be found in old Bruce Lee movies.
07. Lou Gehrig
Who will be the first to admit that perhaps, on the day when he was forced to retire from baseball because he was dying young of a disease so rare they named it after him, perhaps he was not “the luckiest man on the face of the Earth.”
06. Ernesto “Ché” Guevera
You’ll know him; he’s the guy wearing a t-shirt with a picture of an NYU Freshman on the front.
05. You Remember That Guy from Your Office, the “Funny” One Who Always Busted Out Those “Hilarious” Catch Phrases From His Favorite Movies Like “Yeah Baby!” and “Niiice!” and “My wife!”?
Not him, he was sent directly to Hell. But you will probably get to meet that guy’s wife, because the woman had to have either been deaf or a saint.
04. Graaargh, The Guy Who Invented the Wheel
He’s really bitter; he apparently met a patent attorney (up from Hell for the day on work release) who told him how much money he could have made in royalties if he’d had adequate representation. However, he’s easier to talk to than Raaaaarrrgh, the guy who went down in history as the guy who discovered fire, and then immediately went down in history as the first guy to discover how easily people catch on fire, and then went down in history as the first person who discovered that Saber Tooth Tigers will come running when they smell delicious burning meat. Ironically, Raaaaaarrrrgh is not only his name, but also the noise he made when he made all his discoveries.
03. Bill Gates
Oh, he isn’t dead. He’s just rich enough that he can afford a summer home there.
But he’ll be kinda stand-offish until he sees you’re not one of “those” fans.
Surprised? Quite a few people who knew you would be as well. You’ll spend the first few hundred years up there keeping a low profile, just in case it turns out there was some kind of mistake and you weren’t supposed to get in. In time, you’ll be able to relax, make some friends. Eventually, you will find yourself in a post-existential crisis as you find yourself hanging out all day, drinking beer and playing video games, and you’ll realize that you are wasting your afterlife in exactly the same way you wasted your actual life.