Liam McEneaney: Comedian, Writer, Producer
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0 25 Things You May Not Know About Me

  • October 12, 2016
  • by Liam
  • · Blog · Liam's Notebook · Uncategorized

25. I had an ancestor who fought in the Revolutionary War. Joe McDonnell McEneaney. He led a valiant attack on Passaic, NJ, and lost 350 men before taking the town. It was an achievement marred only by the fact that the British Army was nowhere near Passaic, and in fact, my uncle was a janitor who liked to get drunk and steal officers’ clothes.

24. I have an IQ of 210. Now, the so-called “experts” want to tell me there’s a decimal in there BUT I AIN’T HAVIN NONE OF DAT

23. I was a professional stuntman for three years. My stage name was “Lawful Good Knievel.”

22. I love blueberry pancakes so much, I have married them.

21. In high school, I was bitten by a radioactive spider, and it gave me the powers and abilities of a guy who has been both poisoned and given cancer.

20. If you tell women you’re a doctor, they will take their shirt off and then get an insurance company to pay you. If you then say, “Actually, I’m a doctor of Philosophy, and I’m in this examination room also waiting to get seen” they will start yelling and punching you.

19. My work in the field of mathematics involved splitting the check at restaurants until I not only didn’t put in money but always managed to get five dollars back. This earned me a Nobel Prize in the field of Creative and Possibly Illegal Sciences.

18. My eyes are so open and innocent with wonder, I try to have a stranger teach me one new thing every day. For instance, yesterday a New York State circuit judge taught me the difference between “freelance adoption” and “kidnapping.”

17. I’m a much better fighter than most people think. The last time I got into a fight, it resulted in a black eye, a bloody nose, and a broken arm. The other guy was unhurt, but my point is I was in there.

16. I have the ability to talk to animals. However, I do not have the ability to have them understand what I say or understand what they are talking about. That’s because i have the ability to talk English to animals who only speak Chinese.

15. I love gambling. Which is a fancy way of saying I eat chicken from those street carts.

14. I answer every single email I get, especially the spam. You may laugh, but last week I went on a date with a beautiful woman name Mandarin J. Respectfully who is going to help me refinance a mortgage on my penis.

13. I wouldn’t say I love coffee, but I have had sex with it.

12. I wish I had time to watch more truly great movies, but for some reason pornhub.com doesn’t have “Citizen Kane.”

11. I taught 50 Cent everything he knows. Unfortunately, I taught him everything he knows about algebra.

10. I’ve always found the best part of hanging out with a really tight-knit group of close friends, is when one of them doesn’t show up and then you all have someone to make fun of.

09. I’ve found the secret to happiness is waking up every day and seeing a beautiful face. And yet, some people think it’s creepy that my bedroom is just wall-to-ceiling mirrors.

08. I was sick the day we learned counting in school, and have trouble with numbers.

07. This is where I was going to omit number 7 in what is the punch line to what is surely the oldest “nerd joke” on record. This is because as a writer, I am prolific, but sometimes very lazy.

06. Sure, when you’re young it’s always hilarious when someone says, “What has two thumbs and loves blow jobs” and then point their thumbs at themselves and says, “This guy.” Or they say “Have you ever seen an elephant?” and then unzips their pants and pulls their pants pockets out. Then it’s all fun and games.

But then some people get older become parents, and then it’s all like, “Liam, we hired you to be a clown at our three year-olds’ party” and there’s nothing but screaming and crying as you realize that they’re not going to pay you. This I’ve learned from bitter experience.

This is a joke I tried doing onstage many many many times when I was young, despite the unanimously terrible reaction from every audience who heard it. I hope you enjoyed it, although experience tells me you didn’t!

05. There’s a fine line between “laughing with someone” and “laughing at someone.” But there’s absolutely no line between “angrily glaring with your arms crossed” and telling your girlfriend her new haircut isn’t all that great. And I am a man who knows.

04. I own a hamster. I hate hamsters. But I love taking him to the zoo and holding him up at the snake cage and watching the snakes slam their heads against the glass enclosures over and over.

03. I absolutely cannot even stand horseradish sauce. But I’ll have sex with it anyway because I like to drink.

02. I took myself out on a date last night, and it was so awkward at dinner, when the check came, and I sat there for twenty minutes before I realized I had no intention of paying. Especially since I’d already split the check so I didn’t owe anything.

01. I don’t like to tell people my age, but let’s just say I’m finally old enough to date college girls.

Buy my latest album, Working Class Fancy, from Comedy Dynamics.

0 Greetings from sunny Los Angeles, California

  • October 10, 2016
  • by Liam
  • · Blog

The first week of the Great Los Angeles Experiment has begun. What happens when you take a native New York City comedian with X-Treme East Coast Grouchitude and place him in beautiful sunny Southern California where the weather is consistently perfect, and everyone, and I mean everyone and their mothers has at least one foot on the business of show? So far my pleasure receptors have been opening like the petals of a lower in this constant, unending sunlight and pleasant weather. Which would be fine, except as a New York City native, I consider it my birthright to end my unceasing complaints about the weather only in the two weeks at the end of September and the beginning of June when we get a break from the punishing heat or cutting cold. It’s genuinely disconcerting, a week into October, to have my only complaint be, “It got a little chilly last night and I had to close the window.”

But fear not, Constant Reader, for I am in Los Angeles, City of Endless Quality of Life Concerns.

A TRUE STORY THAT HAPPENED ON THE LIGHT RAIL OUT TO SANTA MONICA
There’s a light rail that runs from Downtown LA to Downtown Santa Monica. If you don’t drive, like myself, it cuts the trip from three hours to a little over one. Los Angeles is slowly making steps to make this a pedestrian-friendly town. For instance, did you know that if you hit a cyclist with your car, you now have to pay a fine of up to seventy-five dollars?

A week ago, I was sitting on the light rail, newly a resident, watching the city go past the window, wondering if I’d made the right decision to come out here, when a woman in the seat behind me started this conversation which I’m reporting word-for-word:

WOMAN: Excuse me, but, do I know you?

ME: (thinking): It’s happening! I came out to LA, and it turns out I have fans and everything’s going to be alright.
ME (out loud): I’m not sure.

WOMAN: You look like a guy… do you know someone named Jerry?

ME: No.

WOMAN: You look just like his friend.

ME: I know, I look like a lot of people’s friends.

WOMAN: Sorry to bother you.

It’s like no business I know!

0 8/17/16 Jokes About The News

  • August 17, 2016
  • by Liam
  • · Blog · Jokes About The News · Uncategorized

A 94 year-old man was among the first in California to commit legal suicide under the care of a doctor under the new End of Life Option Act. The man made his decision after suffering through heart disease, dementia, and a full episode of The View.

The Greenwich, Connecticut, Town Hall changed its hold music to Mozart’s symphonies, as performed by the high school’s string ensembles. Which is all part of the Greenwich city government’s clever plan to never have to speak to anybody on the phone ever again.

The 20th anniversary of JonBenét Ramsey’s tragic murder will be celebrated this year with tasteful, wonderful specials produced by Dr. Phil, Investigation Discovery, and CBS. Continuing a year of fascination with horrible tragedies from the ‘90s, as evidenced by  the Emmy-nominated Trial of OJ Simpson miniseries, and Pauly Shore’s upcoming tour with Vanilla Ice.

Investigators announced that a fire that destroyed 43 homes in northern San Francisco was found to have been started at a secret marijuana farm growing over 100 plants. Officials say the blaze caused millions of dollars in property damage, and thousands of dollars in Taco Bell sales.

Marin County, CA, retailers are stocking up on Burning Man clothing to sell to participants. The trick, the retailers say, is to make it cool enough that Burning Man participants want to wear it, but cheap enough that it doesn’t stand out on their parents’ credit card bills.

 

 

0 Jokes About The News (From A TV Submission Packet)

  • August 16, 2016
  • by Liam
  • · Blog · Jokes About The News · Uncategorized

The CEO of rideshare app company Lyft admitted the company loses as much as $50 million a month. And out of instinct, every single Lyft driver automatically responded: “I didn’t find it in my car.”

The city of Detroit denied a local company’s request to store metallurgical coke, a by-product of burning coal, near the Detroit River. Which is odd, because if I was looking for dirty coke, the Detroit waterfront is the first place I would look.

The 2016 Emmy Award nominations were announced last week, and the show with the most nominations was American Crime Story: The People Versus OJ Simpson. Which is why it’s no surprise that there’s already a sequel series in the works about the second biggest crime of the ‘90s: (brief montage: MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice, Sinbad, all wearing parachute pants, followed by a title: “AMERICAN FASHION CRIME STORY: THE PEOPLE VS. PARACHUTE PANTS”)

The real, actual Kato Kaelin will be at the Emmys this year, and anyone who wants to will get the chance to meet him. You’ll have to pay five, ten bucks. But all you have to do is, on Emmy night, drive down to the Microsoft Theater, turn off Olympic onto Figueroa, right up to a sign that says “Valet Parking,” and just get out and hand him your keys.

NBC, the exclusive network of the 2016 Summer Olympics, stirred up criticism from sports reporters and fans when they announced that they would air the Olympic Opening Ceremonies on a one-hour delay. Proving that even when NBC is the only network airing something, they can still find a way to be in last place.

During Major League Baseball’s All-Star Break, Commissioner Rob Manfred announced that the National League batting title would be named “The Tony Gwynn,” in honor of the late, great Padres’ Hall of Famer. While the American League batting title will be named “The Gold’s Gym Locker Room,” in honor of Yankees’ great Alex Rodriguez and the place where he first bought steroids.

The Shangri-La Ranch in New River, Arizona, hosted the first annual Nude Games. For the most part it went off well, although half a dozen men were hospitalized following the pole vault.

Blink-182 just scored their second-ever number one album a full fifteen years after their first. The band attributes their success partly to working hard and never giving up, but mostly to making music that no one under the age of 40 would steal.

Bernie Sanders was booed by a crowd of his supporters during a speech where he endorsed Hillary Clinton and said that the most important job ahead was beating Donald Trump. When asked, his supporters said they weren’t as upset about his endorsement of Hillary as they were about having to hold a job.

The official roster of speakers for the Republican National Convention in Cleveland was announced, and it includes a variety of religious figures to appeal to a wide range of preference for all different brands of worship. For instance, if you’re Christian, Jerry Falwell, Jr. will be speaking. For the Jews, they booked Rabbi Haskel Lookwell. And for Donald Trump, they’re just going to bring out a full-length mirror.

Rangers in Olympia, Washington’s National Park warned visitors to stay away from the park’s mountain goats because they’re unpredictable, and have nasty tempers and strong powerful bodies that could cause severe physical damage. Which also happens to be advice my dad once gave me about dating strippers.

The Arizona State Supreme Court ruled this week that the mere odor of marijuana is grounds for police to get a search your car for drugs. Other valid grounds include a backseat full of empty Taco Bell wrappers and being Willie Nelson’s tour bus.

0 Liam was on ‘The Jim Gaffigan Show’

  • August 9, 2016
  • by Liam
  • · Blog · Uncategorized

liam and jim

0 SAMPLE TRACKS FROM WORKING CLASS FANCY

  • May 30, 2016
  • by Liam
  • · Blog · Uncategorized

Please share:

0 TIP FOR CREATIVE DEPRESSIVES

  • May 26, 2016
  • by Liam
  • · Blog · Creative people tips · Uncategorized

THE next time you’re feeling creatively stuck, or like your work isn’t good enough, or it used to be good but you’ll never write anything decent ever again, just remember that Bob Dylan is universally acknowledged as one of history’s greatest musical lyricists, and he wrote these lyrics:

“We got you for the motel job and we’re talkin’ to your friend Bello
Now you don’t wanta have to go back to jail, be a nice fellow
You’ll be doin’ society a favor
That sonofabitch is brave and gettin’ braver
We want to put his ass in stir
We want to pin this triple murder on him,
He ain’t no Gentleman Jim…”

…in a song called Hurricane that was a hit.

You’ll be okay.

0 PREVIEW TRACK: “TOM WAITS ON HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD”

  • May 18, 2016
  • by Liam
  • · Blog · Uncategorized

From my new album Working Class Fancy, available on Amazon, iTunes, and Google Play, among many other places:

0 Liam’s Second Album, ‘Working Class Fancy’

  • April 1, 2016
  • by Liam
  • · Blog · Uncategorized

ORDER AT AMAZON TODAY!

OR AT ITUNES TODAY!

OR AT GOOGLE PLAY TODAY!

OR CLICK ON THE FRONT AND BACK COVERS:

WCF FrontWCF Back Cover

0 On Feldman’s podcast: With Jeff Ross in cartoon form, and with Robert Smigel

  • March 31, 2016
  • by Liam
  • · Blog · Liam Promo Posts · Uncategorized
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