I write jokes about the news and submit them freelance to television. You can read more about it in an article the Wall Street Journal wrote about me right here. Most of these jokes don’t get accepted and never see the light of day. Until now. Below are my favorites from last week.
Researchers have scientifically proven that keeping tomatoes in the refrigerator “greatly reduces” their flavor. The biggest surprise of this study is that this discovery was made in a real study conducted at an actual research lab staffed by adult professional scientists, and not by a lazy high school student in his mom’s car on their way to the science fair.
Russian President Vladimir Putin told members of the press that they are being spied on by American intelligence. He then added: “Except for C-SPAN. Nobody’s watching that.”
A company is working to make laxatives used for colonoscopies in flavors such as lemon, strawberry and vanilla. When asked about a chocolate flavor, a company rep explained that that was handled around the corner where fudge is made.
A New York man, who was arrested for stealing 600 dollars in cash from a 93 year-old woman’s bra, said he did it to buy himself a nice pair of shoes. Which makes sense, since the money was already being used to support a leathery pair
An Oregon man was arrested after he answered an ad on Craigslist for a snow mobile being sold by a state trooper and offered to pay for it with marijuana. Which raises an important question: “How can you place an ad selling a ‘snowmobile’ on Craigslist and be surprised when it turns into a drug deal?”
Researchers believe that extracting milk from Tasmanian devils may help kill drug-resistant bacteria and save lives. While working at a job milking Tasmanian devils will make you pray for the sweet release of death.
Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte announced that his country is “separating” from America as an ally and has found a new, better partnership with China. He then also announced that the Philippines had joined a gym, bought a 2011 Mustang convertible, and wants you to refer to China as “new mommy” when you get home from visiting the Philippines for Christmas.
According to a new report, there were more cases of sexually transmitted diseases than ever before. So congratulations to Brad Pitt for getting back out there so quickly.
A Russian man was arrested in Prague in connection to the theft of 117 million LinkedIn Passwords. Which should serve as a reminder to all of us that LinkedIn exists.
Liam McEneaney: Comedian, Writer, Producer 
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