I write jokes about the news and submit them freelance to television. You can read more about it in an article the Wall Street Journal wrote about me right here. Most of these jokes don’t get accepted and go nowhere. Until now. Below are my favorites from last week.
A group of Girl Scouts in New York City are trying to raise money for the first statues ever in Central Park that would honor women. Although for safety reasons, none of the statues will have their backs to Trump Tower.
A new report shows that nearly 30 percent of New Yorkers binge drink. While the other 70 percent also smoke weed.
A new report estimates that 100,000 animals, including pigs and turkeys, now ride in airline cabins each year with their owners. Flight attendants say you can tell the difference because pigs and turkeys don’t press the call button every two minutes.
President Obama wrote an op-ed for CNN, in which he announced his hope to land humans on Mars by 2030. Time Warner then announced that they can’t get a guy out to hook up the cable until 2033.
A pendant stolen from Kim Kardashian was found in Paris near the scene of last week’s robbery. If you don’t know what a pendant is, it’s kind of an ornamental jewelry worn around the neck of a woman with a lot of money. And if you don’t know what a Kardashian is, it’s kind of an ornamental celebrity worn around the neck of a man with a lot of money.
A new Guinness world record was set in Michigan when more than 1200 couple were married in the same ceremony. Unfortunately, that record was for “number of fights at a wedding between drunk Juggalo cousins.”
It was reported that the Russian government’s cyber-espionage has not only targeted Democrats, but Republicans as well. And in related news, Gary Johnson just changed his AOL password so that it’s no longer “garyjohnson123.”
A new report shows that the best place in the world for young girls to live is Sweden. While the worst continues to be Woody Allen’s Upper East Side apartment.
Tuesday was the United Nation’s International Day of the Girl. To celebrate, they got 70 percent of the minutes every other day gets.
A woman in Utah gave birth to her baby while in a Walmart check out line. Where the father immediately tried to exchange it for a Craftsman 6 riding mower.
It was revealed that during the reign of Saddam Hussein the Iraqi Mission in New York City once had a secret torture chamber in the basement. Or as the rest of us call it, ‘The Times Square Bubba Gump Shrimp Company.’
Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf, who faced criticism for the banks’ phony account scam, retired from the company effective immediately. And closing their accounts with the bank immediately were his close friends Ston Jumpf, Don Rumpf, Bon Blumpf, and Forrest Gumpf.
Parents complained after Indian airline IndiGo announced a new “quiet zone” on their planes that bans children under 12 from sitting there. Making this the most controversial “quiet zone” for kids under 12 since Neverland Ranch.
A father and his daughter, who were visiting Arkansas’ Crater of Diamonds State Park, found a 2.03 carat white diamond. And in accordance with Arkansas custom, he immediately slipped it on her finger and asked her to make him the happiest man on Earth.
Liam McEneaney: Comedian, Writer, Producer 
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