25. I had an ancestor who fought in the Revolutionary War. Joe McDonnell McEneaney. He led a valiant attack on Passaic, NJ, and lost 350 men before taking the town. It was an achievement marred only by the fact that the British Army was nowhere near Passaic, and in fact, my uncle was a janitor who liked to get drunk and steal officers’ clothes.
24. I have an IQ of 210. Now, the so-called “experts” want to tell me there’s a decimal in there BUT I AIN’T HAVIN NONE OF DAT
23. I was a professional stuntman for three years. My stage name was “Lawful Good Knievel.”
22. I love blueberry pancakes so much, I have married them.
21. In high school, I was bitten by a radioactive spider, and it gave me the powers and abilities of a guy who has been both poisoned and given cancer.
20. If you tell women you’re a doctor, they will take their shirt off and then get an insurance company to pay you. If you then say, “Actually, I’m a doctor of Philosophy, and I’m in this examination room also waiting to get seen” they will start yelling and punching you.
19. My work in the field of mathematics involved splitting the check at restaurants until I not only didn’t put in money but always managed to get five dollars back. This earned me a Nobel Prize in the field of Creative and Possibly Illegal Sciences.
18. My eyes are so open and innocent with wonder, I try to have a stranger teach me one new thing every day. For instance, yesterday a New York State circuit judge taught me the difference between “freelance adoption” and “kidnapping.”
17. I’m a much better fighter than most people think. The last time I got into a fight, it resulted in a black eye, a bloody nose, and a broken arm. The other guy was unhurt, but my point is I was in there.
16. I have the ability to talk to animals. However, I do not have the ability to have them understand what I say or understand what they are talking about. That’s because i have the ability to talk English to animals who only speak Chinese.
15. I love gambling. Which is a fancy way of saying I eat chicken from those street carts.
14. I answer every single email I get, especially the spam. You may laugh, but last week I went on a date with a beautiful woman name Mandarin J. Respectfully who is going to help me refinance a mortgage on my penis.
13. I wouldn’t say I love coffee, but I have had sex with it.
12. I wish I had time to watch more truly great movies, but for some reason pornhub.com doesn’t have “Citizen Kane.”
11. I taught 50 Cent everything he knows. Unfortunately, I taught him everything he knows about algebra.
10. I’ve always found the best part of hanging out with a really tight-knit group of close friends, is when one of them doesn’t show up and then you all have someone to make fun of.
09. I’ve found the secret to happiness is waking up every day and seeing a beautiful face. And yet, some people think it’s creepy that my bedroom is just wall-to-ceiling mirrors.
08. I was sick the day we learned counting in school, and have trouble with numbers.
07. This is where I was going to omit number 7 in what is the punch line to what is surely the oldest “nerd joke” on record. This is because as a writer, I am prolific, but sometimes very lazy.
06. Sure, when you’re young it’s always hilarious when someone says, “What has two thumbs and loves blow jobs” and then point their thumbs at themselves and says, “This guy.” Or they say “Have you ever seen an elephant?” and then unzips their pants and pulls their pants pockets out. Then it’s all fun and games.
But then some people get older become parents, and then it’s all like, “Liam, we hired you to be a clown at our three year-olds’ party” and there’s nothing but screaming and crying as you realize that they’re not going to pay you. This I’ve learned from bitter experience.
This is a joke I tried doing onstage many many many times when I was young, despite the unanimously terrible reaction from every audience who heard it. I hope you enjoyed it, although experience tells me you didn’t!
05. There’s a fine line between “laughing with someone” and “laughing at someone.” But there’s absolutely no line between “angrily glaring with your arms crossed” and telling your girlfriend her new haircut isn’t all that great. And I am a man who knows.
04. I own a hamster. I hate hamsters. But I love taking him to the zoo and holding him up at the snake cage and watching the snakes slam their heads against the glass enclosures over and over.
03. I absolutely cannot even stand horseradish sauce. But I’ll have sex with it anyway because I like to drink.
02. I took myself out on a date last night, and it was so awkward at dinner, when the check came, and I sat there for twenty minutes before I realized I had no intention of paying. Especially since I’d already split the check so I didn’t owe anything.
01. I don’t like to tell people my age, but let’s just say I’m finally old enough to date college girls.
Buy my latest album, Working Class Fancy, from Comedy Dynamics.