I write jokes about the news and submit them freelance to television. You can read more about it in an article the Wall Street Journal wrote about me right here. Most of these jokes don’t get accepted and never see the light of day. Until now. Below are my favorites from last week.
New Jersey got a gas tax increase for the first time since 1988, raising the price of petroleum products across the board, from gas to oil. Experts say that the most affected by a gas hike will be the state’s commuters, while the most affected by an oil hike will be the state’s hairstyles.
This Thanksgiving, Butterball’s help line will also field turkey cooking questions via text. And while they expect that most of the texts are going to be normal turkey-related questions, they do expect that some creeps will also send them duck pics.
A man was arrested at the Metropolitan Opera in New York after he scattered his mentor’s ashes on the orchestra during a performance. Audience members were reported to be so alarmed by the man’s actions, they could barely get back to sleep.
New research shows that a broccoli, avocado, and cabbage diet has strong anti-aging effect in mice. Or at the very least, makes their lives seem ten times longer.
Scientists have discovered a species of millipede that has over 400 legs and 4 penises. They say they haven’t seen anything like it since the 2016 Russian Women’s Olympic Team.
A new study suggests that a wearable skin patch that delivers small doses of peanut protein may help children who are allergic to peanuts. Which is weird, because that’s what helped me quit.
Glamour magazine has selected Bono as the first Man of the Year. And apparently, that year is 1987.
Sony Music apologized after a popular Japanese all-girl band performed in outfits resembling Nazi uniforms. “Don’t worry about it, in fact we’d like to see a lot more,” responded the entire Internet in unison.
A man on a Halloween flight from Boston to San Francisco took his daughter trick-or-treating on the plane so she wouldn’t miss out. The two were dressed in costume, her as an adorable little donut, and him as That Guy Who is Oblivious to the Fact That People on an Overnight Flight Want to Be Left the Hell Alone.
The FBI background check system for gun sales in October processed more than 2 million checks, setting an all-time record for the month. Of course, the NRA says all of these guns will be used in self-defense. Because you’re going to need to defend yourself against the two million other wackos who also just bought a gun.
A new report estimates that by the year 2040, the population of New York City will grow to over 9 million people. Which means you should start standing in line for brunch around, oh, 2037.
Experts say that this year will see a record number of people traveling by plane for Thanksgiving. Which means, once again, good news for the tiny inflatable vest industry.
Starbucks has introduced a new “Green Cup” that is meant to symbolize unity ahead of the election. Because all Americans, regardless of race, religion, or political party, are equal when they’re waiting an hour in line while a homeless guy bathes in the bathroom.
According to a new report that company where most job seekers want to work is Amazon, followed by American Airlines and Apple. Which just goes to show; most unemployed people are too lazy to look past the “A” section of the Help Wanted ads.
The AA minor league baseball team the Jacksonville Suns announced that they are changing their names to the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp. The change was made partly because ownership wanted a creative name that tied in to the local community, but mostly because they wanted their archrivals, the Tampa Bay Jews, to forfeit every game.
The city of Tupelo, Mississippi, installed twenty-four guitar-shaped statues to commemorate the place where Elvis Presley was born. While Memphis, Tennessee, installed twenty-four guitar-shaped toilets to commemorate the place where he died.
A new bar in Brooklyn is opening called The House of Wax, that will feature celebrity death masks, anatomical horrors, and embalmed freaks of nature. Or as the rest of us call it, “Tinder.”
A New York State lawmaker has launched a new app called ParentPatrol that allows parents to quickly report suspicious behavior at parks and playgrounds. Replacing the old app that used to be popular for the phone: “Calling The Police.”
A high school teacher in New Jersey, who was often described as “cool,” will be forced to forfeit 120 days pay for discussing stripping and prostitution with female students. And that kind of behavior makes him unfit to be a New Jersey high school teacher. And perfect to be a New Jersey high school guidance counselor.
Apple introduced a series of new emojis, including a creepy clown and a gorilla that many say looks like Harambe. Great. Now all my female friends are going to think I’m a creep when I get drunk and attach clowns and gorillas to my “You Up?” texts at three in the morning.
A new survey finds that the number of Americans supporting legalizing marijuana has reached an all time high of 57 percent. While the number of Americans who support legalizing meth has also reached a record high of “WHO GAVE YOU MY PHONE NUMBER? CALL ME BACK LATER I’M BUSY PULLING ALL MY OWN TEETH OUT!DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE”