I write jokes about the news and submit them freelance to television. You can read more about it in an article the Wall Street Journal wrote about me right here. Most of these jokes don’t get accepted and never see the light of day. Until now. Below are my favorites from last week.
According to reports, President Obama is going to finalize regulations making it illegal to ask job applicants if they have a criminal record. And just in time for Trump to finish hiring his cabinet.
California’s bar association is considering new rules that would ban attorneys from having sex with clients. When asked why, the President of the bar explained, “It would be unethical to screw our clients until they get their bill.”
A Syrian social worker who dressed as a clown to help ease children in war-torn Aleppo is presumed dead following a Russian missile attack. And once again, life tragically imitates my ending for a Patch Adams remake.
The Federal Highway Administration has determined that more than five hundred “I (HEART) NY” signs on the state’s highways are a dangerous distraction and has ordered them removed. They also said that they plan to replace them with the more appropriate, “¯\_(ツ)_/¯ WHERE YOU GONNA GO? JERSEY?”
New studies show that hallucinogenic mushrooms might help relieve anxiety and depression in cancer patients. And in related news, a four-year study I conducted in college shows that ‘shrooms also relieve anxiety and depression in me.
A group in Australia has set a new world record for the highest basketball shot when they made a basket off of a 593 foot tall dam. Look, I’m not saying racial stereotypes are necessarily real, and I’m not saying stereotypes ar right. I’m just saying, a group of white guys needed a 600-foot advantage to set a record in basketball.
A record number 154 million people went shopping on Black Friday, but spent an average of 10 dollars less than they did last year. Which means that once again, the only clear winners of the weekend were fans of World Star Hip Hop Fight Videos.
Dictionary.com has selected “xenophobia” as its 2016 Word of the Year. In response, Donald Trump immediately named Dictionary.com Secretary of Liking Foreigners.
A woman on a flight that landed in Texas and had to wait for a gate, opened an emergency exit on the plane and left. Although, in the woman’s defense, the in-flight movie was Suicide Squad.
Archaeologists in England have discovered a 3000 year-old gold “belt.” While they’re not 100% sure, they think it might date all the way back to Hulk Hogan’s very first Wrestlemania.
Jim Delligatti, a McDonald’s franchise owner who created the Big Mac, died this week at the age of 98. And today, the heart of every McDonald’s customer would be full of grief. I’m sorry, I meant their hearts will be filled with grease. Years and years of Big Mac grease.
A hacker broke into the San Francisco transit system computers and gave people free rides. Good news for New York commuters, though; the MTA has promised its computer security is as state-of-the-art and likely to work as the rest of the subway system.
Bob Dylan skipped a meeting this week of Nobel Prize winners with President Obama. Although Fred Durst has promised in 2017 he will meet with President Trump and also anyone else who will buy him a hot dinner.