My name is Billy McCutcheon. I red that you pay god mony for peoples funy storeys for your Life In This Here Untied Stats. I got a few good uns for you and I guess I would of writen sooner if Id of none you was gone ta pay for them.
Im not the story teller in the famly. Thats my cousin Luther, and if you ever get a chance to swing through town you got to here him tell his storys becaus when he does the voices, you would sware you was their.
Me, Im the writer – Im the one who everyone gets to make all the sines when we go to the Trump rallies. You might of seed my work it gets put up on the Hufingtown Post a lot on account of the news papers always send there pictures of the best signs there.
Im not hear to talk politics tho. As Jay Leno says its a word what means “many blodsuckers.” LOL. Besids their is only won reason we al voted for the man and that was to bring our coal jobs back. We herd its only them DAMNeocrots and there safty regulations that been the hold up now and we all know nothin can stop King Coal when he got the mind to it, so thatll change soon.
Anyhow. This hear is a story about me and my cousin Luther, back when we was younger. Okay. One day when we was like 15, me and Luther hes my cousin, we was waked up by my dad and by Luthers Uncle Carl. Uncle Carl wasnt really his Uncle, but Luthers mom is a single women with needs. We all call her frends his Uncls to spare his feelings cause Luther aint never been what youd call 100 percent, even before the axdent from when we seen the aliens in his Ford F160 pickup.
See, when me and Luther was a little older, we was driving in his Ford F160 pickup. It was a clear nite and our shift at the lace factory didnt start until midnite, on account of after the axdents on the flor the forman said the only job we was fit to do was security.
I axed “What do we do if someone brakes in?”
He said “Then wake up because clearly your dreaming if you think someone gone to brake into a lace factory.” Only he said it with a lot more swears. But I wont repeat them cause I know your a family magazine.
Seeing as it was a worknight we only had a sixer of Bud each and then off we drove down Toluca Road in Luthers Ford F160 as I sayed. So were driving and shooting the shit and smoking a little somethin when all the sudden we saw a brite lite on the road acompnied by an unearthly sound like a HWAAAAAAAAANK!!!! That dont come across so good on the paper and you really got to here Luther mimic it.
Luther swervd the Ford F160 off the road and the aliens must of wiped our memories because when we woke up, the ship was gone and the Ford F160 was lying on its back like a dead gazell.
Luthers still loking for them aliens because the insurance company refused to cover damages when they got the results of the breath test.
So I started to say the storey of when we was yunger. Its early morning and Daddy and Uncle Carl shake us awake.
“Cmon boys todays the day. We gone take you for your first hunting trip.” And we get into Uncle Carls Ford F160 that he gave to Luther after on account of he didnt want Luthers mom sending him to prison where he was gone to make frends with a 450 pund man name of Bubba. LOL. Bubbas actually a pretty good guy but when he drinks he got a temper on him!
In the gray purple lite of the dawn, we was crouchng there in the bushs. And I am hear to tell you, first thing in the morn them bushs is wet. And Daddy and Uncle Carl let us have a sip of there beers evry time they open one. So after twelve or so bers I was fit to burst. But I held it in and thank God I did.
We were out there a couple hours and didn’t see no buck deer and if they was out hunting the wood for some tail, they was staying the hell away from us. Like the wood was one big niteclub and we was crouching in a dumster in the alley out back.
All the sudden, we here a sound in the bushes of a big animal, crashing through noisy as hell. Can I say hell in Readers Digest? If not you have my permshun to delete it. Anyway, this animal was noisy as all heck, and if it was a buck coming through, that ol boy sounded big enough to have more points then the NBA all stars game.
Quick as anything, Uncle Carl points his shot gun at the in coming creasher. Which aint no deer but my cousin Luther! Luckly, Uncle Carl cant shoot for shit and misses Luther mostly and only gets him in the meet of his leg. Now I tell this story its funny, but back then we was all scared as shit and Luther went down and hes crying and holding his leg and asking us if he gone die. Of corse I say I dont know on account of nobody but God can answer that.
Then Daddy lays out Luther on the grass and also Uncle Carl becus a mans got to let it be known that this mite be funy but it aint right. So were driving to the hospital, Carl keeping Luther company in the flatbed of the Ford F160, Luther crying on account of the pain and Carl crying on account of he shot a kid and then got punched.
In the hospital a cop has some questions and says, “So what the hell done happen here?” And Uncle Carl, and I sware this is true, he looks at the trooper all innocent and says “Why officer, I thought hunting children was in season?”
Well. We all laffed fit to bust a gut including them cops and thank god because Luthers Uncle Carl mite still be roommates with Bubba until Bubba got out for good behavior mostly.
Luckly Aunt Margret didn’t press charges like I said which is how Luther got his Ford F160 that he held on to til them dam aliens came for him. Uncle Carl man, he was a riot and it was a shame when he died of the black lung.
If you like this storey I got tons of them, and pleas pay me my mony in cash on account of I dont want to lose my disability.
Sincrly
Billy M.
Wheeling, WV
Liam McEneaney: Comedian, Writer, Producer 
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