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Adi Gorden’s backyard:
10741 Westminster Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 90034
8:00: MUSIC: 8:30: SHOW
Money will be collected and will go to Toys for Tots.
Posts By Liam
0 Buttercream Comedy
0 Ten Years Ago, Someone Stole My Doormat
From a piece I wrote, called Three Different Memos To Three Different Neighbors (2006):
MEMO #1 – TO: The Neighbor Who Stole My Doormat
RE: What the Fuck?
Okay, I know it’s been two-and-a-half years, but I honestly still can’t believe it. And so I have to ask; come on guy, you really needed to steal my doormat? My doormat?
And we’re not even talking about an ornamental, expensive doormat – the kind embroidered by a young child in a dark factory in the heart of Taiwan; the kind with the word “WELCOME” woven in over an irresistibly crude caricature of puppies playfully squirming under a doormat of their own, their big eyes staring straight through your soul; the kind that you can only find in an elegant, out-of-the-way specialty store like K-Mart or Target. And I understand that not everyone has the rare combination of both ten seconds and six dollars that it takes to go out and buy one of their own. And if I had owned this kind of extravagantly decorative doormat, I would understand a working man’s need to steal it, to give his family a small taste of the same lavish, luxurious lifestyle that Doukhobors like myself enjoy in our rent-controlled apartments in the heart of Queens.
But that’s not the kind of doormat we’re talking about, is it? The kind of doormat we’re talking about, the kind that you stole under the dark cover of night, is dirty and beige; it’s the kind of doormat that I got not from Wal-Mart, nor even from Kiki’s 99-Cent Emporium, but rather from the relatives of an elderly neighbor who had recently died, shuffling off this mortal coil in housedress and slippers, plastic bags clutched in her hand, a faded babushka on her head and a complaint about the heat left unspoken on her tongue. That’s right; you stole a free, dead woman’s doormat.
To be honest, I’m not even angry so much as I am completely baffled; what, exactly, did you think you were going to do? Just put it down outside of your apartment, the only place you could logically use it, and hope that I wouldn’t go door-to-door through the building hallway looking for it?
In the annals of crime, stealing a neighbor’s doormat falls somewhere between mugging your boss in the elevator on the way up to the office and bursting into a police precinct, waving your shotgun in the air, and declaring that the next person who moves gets it. Which is to say that it falls exactly halfway between being “poorly thought out” and “fucking retarded.”
And if you can’t use a doormat for its intended purpose, what exactly would you do with it? Sell it on eBay? Not that I would put it past you; after all, the person who would steal a used dime-store doormat is the exact same person who has undoubtedly, at several points in their life, had a small, swarthy man named Chico calmly inform them that “you ain’t can’t have the weed if you ain’t don’t gots the cash.”
And so I scoured Craig’s List, searching for the tell-tale ad: “FOR SALE,” I imagined it would say, “Doormat, gently used – NO QUESTIONS ASKED! Serial numbers have been filed off. Am looking for best reasonable offer – cash, food, or even MetroCard swipe into subway.”
Or perhaps this doormat was of some value to you, a value that I myself did not ascertain and could only truly appreciate once it was gone from my life. In my mind’s eye I can see you running through the building, clad in an Indiana Jones leather jacket and fedora, clutching your bleeding, gunshot arm as dark-suited thugs from the Russian mob close in fast. Trapped in a corner, desperate, you wheel around, revealing a Luger held to the head of a dirty beige doormat trembling in the crook of your arm.
“Don’t do anything we’ll both regret,” says a large man who steps from the shadows, a deep scar running down the side of his face, a gloved hand removing a pair of $500 Ray Bans, revealing one eye made of milky-white glass, the other filled with a mixture of hatred and respect.
You shake your head once: “No.” You pant for breath, swallow, then add, “Tell your men to step back and give us safe conduct, Vladimir. Now. Or the only place this doormat lies is inside the entrance of a mausoleum.”
He gives you the once-over; he knows that after what went down in Morocco, where he watched a small, frayed bathroom rug die in his arms, that you’d be just crazy enough to do it. He signals to his men, and they step back, warily placing their guns halfway into their holsters.
“You’ve won this round,” he says. “But I’ll return. Even you can’t watch forever. One day you’ll be napping, or drunk, or out of your house for ten minutes to get some milk from the store. And you’ll leave that doormat alone and unguarded. And when you do, I’ll be there. And I can tell you now, I won’t have to steal it away; it will come with me, and willingly.”
And you know in your heart that he’s right. You may have that doormat for now; hell, you may even love it as much as once I did, but you’ll never own it. The tread-worn beauty that makes it a treasure is also its biggest curse. This doormat was born to roam free, my friend, and no matter what kind of care you take of it, there’s going to be a morning when you awake to find it gone, and with only the memories to sustain you.
0 Loosey Goosey (West Hollywood)
Loosey Goosey is hosted by Sam Brown (Whitest Kids U Know), Josh Fadem (Better Caul Saul, 30 Rock) and Eric Moneypenny (The Midnight Show, FOX ADHD), featuring the best stand-ups, sketch groups, weird stuff, and whatever they want.
at The Pack Theatre
6470 Santa Monica Blvd.
9:00pm * PAY WHAT YOU LIKE
0 12/05/2016 Jokes I Wrote For Television
I write jokes about the news and submit them freelance to television. You can read more about it in an article the Wall Street Journal wrote about me right here. Most of these jokes don’t get accepted and never see the light of day. Until now. Below are my favorites from last week.
According to reports, President Obama is going to finalize regulations making it illegal to ask job applicants if they have a criminal record. And just in time for Trump to finish hiring his cabinet.
California’s bar association is considering new rules that would ban attorneys from having sex with clients. When asked why, the President of the bar explained, “It would be unethical to screw our clients until they get their bill.”
A Syrian social worker who dressed as a clown to help ease children in war-torn Aleppo is presumed dead following a Russian missile attack. And once again, life tragically imitates my ending for a Patch Adams remake.
The Federal Highway Administration has determined that more than five hundred “I (HEART) NY” signs on the state’s highways are a dangerous distraction and has ordered them removed. They also said that they plan to replace them with the more appropriate, “¯\_(ツ)_/¯ WHERE YOU GONNA GO? JERSEY?”
New studies show that hallucinogenic mushrooms might help relieve anxiety and depression in cancer patients. And in related news, a four-year study I conducted in college shows that ‘shrooms also relieve anxiety and depression in me.
A group in Australia has set a new world record for the highest basketball shot when they made a basket off of a 593 foot tall dam. Look, I’m not saying racial stereotypes are necessarily real, and I’m not saying stereotypes ar right. I’m just saying, a group of white guys needed a 600-foot advantage to set a record in basketball.
A record number 154 million people went shopping on Black Friday, but spent an average of 10 dollars less than they did last year. Which means that once again, the only clear winners of the weekend were fans of World Star Hip Hop Fight Videos.
Dictionary.com has selected “xenophobia” as its 2016 Word of the Year. In response, Donald Trump immediately named Dictionary.com Secretary of Liking Foreigners.
A woman on a flight that landed in Texas and had to wait for a gate, opened an emergency exit on the plane and left. Although, in the woman’s defense, the in-flight movie was Suicide Squad.
Archaeologists in England have discovered a 3000 year-old gold “belt.” While they’re not 100% sure, they think it might date all the way back to Hulk Hogan’s very first Wrestlemania.
Jim Delligatti, a McDonald’s franchise owner who created the Big Mac, died this week at the age of 98. And today, the heart of every McDonald’s customer would be full of grief. I’m sorry, I meant their hearts will be filled with grease. Years and years of Big Mac grease.
A hacker broke into the San Francisco transit system computers and gave people free rides. Good news for New York commuters, though; the MTA has promised its computer security is as state-of-the-art and likely to work as the rest of the subway system.
Bob Dylan skipped a meeting this week of Nobel Prize winners with President Obama. Although Fred Durst has promised in 2017 he will meet with President Trump and also anyone else who will buy him a hot dinner.
0 11/07/2016 Jokes I Wrote For Television
I write jokes about the news and submit them freelance to television. You can read more about it in an article the Wall Street Journal wrote about me right here. Most of these jokes don’t get accepted and never see the light of day. Until now. Below are my favorites from last week.
New Jersey got a gas tax increase for the first time since 1988, raising the price of petroleum products across the board, from gas to oil. Experts say that the most affected by a gas hike will be the state’s commuters, while the most affected by an oil hike will be the state’s hairstyles.
This Thanksgiving, Butterball’s help line will also field turkey cooking questions via text. And while they expect that most of the texts are going to be normal turkey-related questions, they do expect that some creeps will also send them duck pics.
A man was arrested at the Metropolitan Opera in New York after he scattered his mentor’s ashes on the orchestra during a performance. Audience members were reported to be so alarmed by the man’s actions, they could barely get back to sleep.
New research shows that a broccoli, avocado, and cabbage diet has strong anti-aging effect in mice. Or at the very least, makes their lives seem ten times longer.
Scientists have discovered a species of millipede that has over 400 legs and 4 penises. They say they haven’t seen anything like it since the 2016 Russian Women’s Olympic Team.
A new study suggests that a wearable skin patch that delivers small doses of peanut protein may help children who are allergic to peanuts. Which is weird, because that’s what helped me quit.
Glamour magazine has selected Bono as the first Man of the Year. And apparently, that year is 1987.
Sony Music apologized after a popular Japanese all-girl band performed in outfits resembling Nazi uniforms. “Don’t worry about it, in fact we’d like to see a lot more,” responded the entire Internet in unison.
A man on a Halloween flight from Boston to San Francisco took his daughter trick-or-treating on the plane so she wouldn’t miss out. The two were dressed in costume, her as an adorable little donut, and him as That Guy Who is Oblivious to the Fact That People on an Overnight Flight Want to Be Left the Hell Alone.
The FBI background check system for gun sales in October processed more than 2 million checks, setting an all-time record for the month. Of course, the NRA says all of these guns will be used in self-defense. Because you’re going to need to defend yourself against the two million other wackos who also just bought a gun.
A new report estimates that by the year 2040, the population of New York City will grow to over 9 million people. Which means you should start standing in line for brunch around, oh, 2037.
Experts say that this year will see a record number of people traveling by plane for Thanksgiving. Which means, once again, good news for the tiny inflatable vest industry.
Starbucks has introduced a new “Green Cup” that is meant to symbolize unity ahead of the election. Because all Americans, regardless of race, religion, or political party, are equal when they’re waiting an hour in line while a homeless guy bathes in the bathroom.
According to a new report that company where most job seekers want to work is Amazon, followed by American Airlines and Apple. Which just goes to show; most unemployed people are too lazy to look past the “A” section of the Help Wanted ads.
The AA minor league baseball team the Jacksonville Suns announced that they are changing their names to the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp. The change was made partly because ownership wanted a creative name that tied in to the local community, but mostly because they wanted their archrivals, the Tampa Bay Jews, to forfeit every game.
The city of Tupelo, Mississippi, installed twenty-four guitar-shaped statues to commemorate the place where Elvis Presley was born. While Memphis, Tennessee, installed twenty-four guitar-shaped toilets to commemorate the place where he died.
A new bar in Brooklyn is opening called The House of Wax, that will feature celebrity death masks, anatomical horrors, and embalmed freaks of nature. Or as the rest of us call it, “Tinder.”
A New York State lawmaker has launched a new app called ParentPatrol that allows parents to quickly report suspicious behavior at parks and playgrounds. Replacing the old app that used to be popular for the phone: “Calling The Police.”
A high school teacher in New Jersey, who was often described as “cool,” will be forced to forfeit 120 days pay for discussing stripping and prostitution with female students. And that kind of behavior makes him unfit to be a New Jersey high school teacher. And perfect to be a New Jersey high school guidance counselor.
Apple introduced a series of new emojis, including a creepy clown and a gorilla that many say looks like Harambe. Great. Now all my female friends are going to think I’m a creep when I get drunk and attach clowns and gorillas to my “You Up?” texts at three in the morning.
A new survey finds that the number of Americans supporting legalizing marijuana has reached an all time high of 57 percent. While the number of Americans who support legalizing meth has also reached a record high of “WHO GAVE YOU MY PHONE NUMBER? CALL ME BACK LATER I’M BUSY PULLING ALL MY OWN TEETH OUT!DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE”
0 How To Be A Pathetic Single Guy: A short film I wrote and directed 15 years ago
Fifteen years ago, I wrote and directed and shot a short film. Done in the educational slide show style that was popular in the New York City public schools of my childhood, it’s called “How To Be A Pathetic Single Guy.” I thought it was going to waste away on VHS, but luckily I screened it at Jay Stern and Victor Varnado’s Iron Mule Film Festival (which is still going), and Jay had converted it to digital video. Below, then, check out a much younger me:
Fun trivia note: This was edited by my buddy Steve Rosenthal, whom a decade later I would hire to edit Tell Your Friends! The Concert Film!
0 10/17/2016 Jokes I Wrote For Television
I write jokes about the news and submit them freelance to television. You can read more about it in an article the Wall Street Journal wrote about me right here. Most of these jokes don’t get accepted and never see the light of day. Until now. Below are my favorites from last week.
Researchers have scientifically proven that keeping tomatoes in the refrigerator “greatly reduces” their flavor. The biggest surprise of this study is that this discovery was made in a real study conducted at an actual research lab staffed by adult professional scientists, and not by a lazy high school student in his mom’s car on their way to the science fair.
Russian President Vladimir Putin told members of the press that they are being spied on by American intelligence. He then added: “Except for C-SPAN. Nobody’s watching that.”
A company is working to make laxatives used for colonoscopies in flavors such as lemon, strawberry and vanilla. When asked about a chocolate flavor, a company rep explained that that was handled around the corner where fudge is made.
A New York man, who was arrested for stealing 600 dollars in cash from a 93 year-old woman’s bra, said he did it to buy himself a nice pair of shoes. Which makes sense, since the money was already being used to support a leathery pair
An Oregon man was arrested after he answered an ad on Craigslist for a snow mobile being sold by a state trooper and offered to pay for it with marijuana. Which raises an important question: “How can you place an ad selling a ‘snowmobile’ on Craigslist and be surprised when it turns into a drug deal?”
Researchers believe that extracting milk from Tasmanian devils may help kill drug-resistant bacteria and save lives. While working at a job milking Tasmanian devils will make you pray for the sweet release of death.
Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte announced that his country is “separating” from America as an ally and has found a new, better partnership with China. He then also announced that the Philippines had joined a gym, bought a 2011 Mustang convertible, and wants you to refer to China as “new mommy” when you get home from visiting the Philippines for Christmas.
According to a new report, there were more cases of sexually transmitted diseases than ever before. So congratulations to Brad Pitt for getting back out there so quickly.
A Russian man was arrested in Prague in connection to the theft of 117 million LinkedIn Passwords. Which should serve as a reminder to all of us that LinkedIn exists.
0 10/17/2016 Jokes I Wrote for Television
I write jokes about the news and submit them freelance to television. You can read more about it in an article the Wall Street Journal wrote about me right here. Most of these jokes don’t get accepted and go nowhere. Until now. Below are my favorites from last week.
A group of Girl Scouts in New York City are trying to raise money for the first statues ever in Central Park that would honor women. Although for safety reasons, none of the statues will have their backs to Trump Tower.
A new report shows that nearly 30 percent of New Yorkers binge drink. While the other 70 percent also smoke weed.
A new report estimates that 100,000 animals, including pigs and turkeys, now ride in airline cabins each year with their owners. Flight attendants say you can tell the difference because pigs and turkeys don’t press the call button every two minutes.
President Obama wrote an op-ed for CNN, in which he announced his hope to land humans on Mars by 2030. Time Warner then announced that they can’t get a guy out to hook up the cable until 2033.
A pendant stolen from Kim Kardashian was found in Paris near the scene of last week’s robbery. If you don’t know what a pendant is, it’s kind of an ornamental jewelry worn around the neck of a woman with a lot of money. And if you don’t know what a Kardashian is, it’s kind of an ornamental celebrity worn around the neck of a man with a lot of money.
A new Guinness world record was set in Michigan when more than 1200 couple were married in the same ceremony. Unfortunately, that record was for “number of fights at a wedding between drunk Juggalo cousins.”
It was reported that the Russian government’s cyber-espionage has not only targeted Democrats, but Republicans as well. And in related news, Gary Johnson just changed his AOL password so that it’s no longer “garyjohnson123.”
A new report shows that the best place in the world for young girls to live is Sweden. While the worst continues to be Woody Allen’s Upper East Side apartment.
Tuesday was the United Nation’s International Day of the Girl. To celebrate, they got 70 percent of the minutes every other day gets.
A woman in Utah gave birth to her baby while in a Walmart check out line. Where the father immediately tried to exchange it for a Craftsman 6 riding mower.
It was revealed that during the reign of Saddam Hussein the Iraqi Mission in New York City once had a secret torture chamber in the basement. Or as the rest of us call it, ‘The Times Square Bubba Gump Shrimp Company.’
Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf, who faced criticism for the banks’ phony account scam, retired from the company effective immediately. And closing their accounts with the bank immediately were his close friends Ston Jumpf, Don Rumpf, Bon Blumpf, and Forrest Gumpf.
Parents complained after Indian airline IndiGo announced a new “quiet zone” on their planes that bans children under 12 from sitting there. Making this the most controversial “quiet zone” for kids under 12 since Neverland Ranch.
A father and his daughter, who were visiting Arkansas’ Crater of Diamonds State Park, found a 2.03 carat white diamond. And in accordance with Arkansas custom, he immediately slipped it on her finger and asked her to make him the happiest man on Earth.
0 LOS ANGELES: SETS Comedy Club
River Rock Lounge
12825 Ventura Blvd,
Studio City, CA 91604
(part of Sportsman’s Lodge event center)
8:30 doors//9:00 show
$20.00 – buy here
Liam will be co-headlining.
0 25 Things You May Not Know About Me
25. I had an ancestor who fought in the Revolutionary War. Joe McDonnell McEneaney. He led a valiant attack on Passaic, NJ, and lost 350 men before taking the town. It was an achievement marred only by the fact that the British Army was nowhere near Passaic, and in fact, my uncle was a janitor who liked to get drunk and steal officers’ clothes.
24. I have an IQ of 210. Now, the so-called “experts” want to tell me there’s a decimal in there BUT I AIN’T HAVIN NONE OF DAT
23. I was a professional stuntman for three years. My stage name was “Lawful Good Knievel.”
22. I love blueberry pancakes so much, I have married them.
21. In high school, I was bitten by a radioactive spider, and it gave me the powers and abilities of a guy who has been both poisoned and given cancer.
20. If you tell women you’re a doctor, they will take their shirt off and then get an insurance company to pay you. If you then say, “Actually, I’m a doctor of Philosophy, and I’m in this examination room also waiting to get seen” they will start yelling and punching you.
19. My work in the field of mathematics involved splitting the check at restaurants until I not only didn’t put in money but always managed to get five dollars back. This earned me a Nobel Prize in the field of Creative and Possibly Illegal Sciences.
18. My eyes are so open and innocent with wonder, I try to have a stranger teach me one new thing every day. For instance, yesterday a New York State circuit judge taught me the difference between “freelance adoption” and “kidnapping.”
17. I’m a much better fighter than most people think. The last time I got into a fight, it resulted in a black eye, a bloody nose, and a broken arm. The other guy was unhurt, but my point is I was in there.
16. I have the ability to talk to animals. However, I do not have the ability to have them understand what I say or understand what they are talking about. That’s because i have the ability to talk English to animals who only speak Chinese.
15. I love gambling. Which is a fancy way of saying I eat chicken from those street carts.
14. I answer every single email I get, especially the spam. You may laugh, but last week I went on a date with a beautiful woman name Mandarin J. Respectfully who is going to help me refinance a mortgage on my penis.
13. I wouldn’t say I love coffee, but I have had sex with it.
12. I wish I had time to watch more truly great movies, but for some reason pornhub.com doesn’t have “Citizen Kane.”
11. I taught 50 Cent everything he knows. Unfortunately, I taught him everything he knows about algebra.
10. I’ve always found the best part of hanging out with a really tight-knit group of close friends, is when one of them doesn’t show up and then you all have someone to make fun of.
09. I’ve found the secret to happiness is waking up every day and seeing a beautiful face. And yet, some people think it’s creepy that my bedroom is just wall-to-ceiling mirrors.
08. I was sick the day we learned counting in school, and have trouble with numbers.
07. This is where I was going to omit number 7 in what is the punch line to what is surely the oldest “nerd joke” on record. This is because as a writer, I am prolific, but sometimes very lazy.
06. Sure, when you’re young it’s always hilarious when someone says, “What has two thumbs and loves blow jobs” and then point their thumbs at themselves and says, “This guy.” Or they say “Have you ever seen an elephant?” and then unzips their pants and pulls their pants pockets out. Then it’s all fun and games.
But then some people get older become parents, and then it’s all like, “Liam, we hired you to be a clown at our three year-olds’ party” and there’s nothing but screaming and crying as you realize that they’re not going to pay you. This I’ve learned from bitter experience.
This is a joke I tried doing onstage many many many times when I was young, despite the unanimously terrible reaction from every audience who heard it. I hope you enjoyed it, although experience tells me you didn’t!
05. There’s a fine line between “laughing with someone” and “laughing at someone.” But there’s absolutely no line between “angrily glaring with your arms crossed” and telling your girlfriend her new haircut isn’t all that great. And I am a man who knows.
04. I own a hamster. I hate hamsters. But I love taking him to the zoo and holding him up at the snake cage and watching the snakes slam their heads against the glass enclosures over and over.
03. I absolutely cannot even stand horseradish sauce. But I’ll have sex with it anyway because I like to drink.
02. I took myself out on a date last night, and it was so awkward at dinner, when the check came, and I sat there for twenty minutes before I realized I had no intention of paying. Especially since I’d already split the check so I didn’t owe anything.
01. I don’t like to tell people my age, but let’s just say I’m finally old enough to date college girls.
Buy my latest album, Working Class Fancy, from Comedy Dynamics.
Liam McEneaney: Comedian, Writer, Producer 