Blog | Liam McEneaney: Comedian, Writer, Producer

0 11/07/2016 Jokes I Wrote For Television

November 7, 2016
by Liam
· Blog · Liam's Notebook · Uncategorized

I write jokes about the news and submit them freelance to television. You can read more about it in an article the Wall Street Journal wrote about me right here. Most of these jokes don’t get accepted and never see the light of day. Until now. Below are my favorites from last week.

New Jersey got a gas tax increase for the first time since 1988, raising the price of petroleum products across the board, from gas to oil. Experts say that the most affected by a gas hike will be the state’s commuters, while the most affected by an oil hike will be the state’s hairstyles.

This Thanksgiving, Butterball’s help line will also field turkey cooking questions via text. And while they expect that most of the texts are going to be normal turkey-related questions, they do expect that some creeps will also send them duck pics.

A man was arrested at the Metropolitan Opera in New York after he scattered his mentor’s ashes on the orchestra during a performance. Audience members were reported to be so alarmed by the man’s actions, they could barely get back to sleep.

New research shows that a broccoli, avocado, and cabbage diet has strong anti-aging effect in mice. Or at the very least, makes their lives seem ten times longer.

Scientists have discovered a species of millipede that has over 400 legs and 4 penises. They say they haven’t seen anything like it since the 2016 Russian Women’s Olympic Team.

A new study suggests that a wearable skin patch that delivers small doses of peanut protein may help children who are allergic to peanuts. Which is weird, because that’s what helped me quit.

Glamour magazine has selected Bono as the first Man of the Year. And apparently, that year is 1987.

Sony Music apologized after a popular Japanese all-girl band performed in outfits resembling Nazi uniforms. “Don’t worry about it, in fact we’d like to see a lot more,” responded the entire Internet in unison.

A man on a Halloween flight from Boston to San Francisco took his daughter trick-or-treating on the plane so she wouldn’t miss out. The two were dressed in costume, her as an adorable little donut, and him as That Guy Who is Oblivious to the Fact That People on an Overnight Flight Want to Be Left the Hell Alone.

The FBI background check system for gun sales in October processed more than 2 million checks, setting an all-time record for the month. Of course, the NRA says all of these guns will be used in self-defense. Because you’re going to need to defend yourself against the two million other wackos who also just bought a gun.

A new report estimates that by the year 2040, the population of New York City will grow to over 9 million people. Which means you should start standing in line for brunch around, oh, 2037.

Experts say that this year will see a record number of people traveling by plane for Thanksgiving. Which means, once again, good news for the tiny inflatable vest industry.

Starbucks has introduced a new “Green Cup” that is meant to symbolize unity ahead of the election. Because all Americans, regardless of race, religion, or political party, are equal when they’re waiting an hour in line while a homeless guy bathes in the bathroom.

According to a new report that company where most job seekers want to work is Amazon, followed by American Airlines and Apple. Which just goes to show; most unemployed people are too lazy to look past the “A” section of the Help Wanted ads.

The AA minor league baseball team the Jacksonville Suns announced that they are changing their names to the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp. The change was made partly because ownership wanted a creative name that tied in to the local community, but mostly because they wanted their archrivals, the Tampa Bay Jews, to forfeit every game.

The city of Tupelo, Mississippi, installed twenty-four guitar-shaped statues to commemorate the place where Elvis Presley was born. While Memphis, Tennessee, installed twenty-four guitar-shaped toilets to commemorate the place where he died.

A new bar in Brooklyn is opening called The House of Wax, that will feature celebrity death masks, anatomical horrors, and embalmed freaks of nature. Or as the rest of us call it, “Tinder.”

A New York State lawmaker has launched a new app called ParentPatrol that allows parents to quickly report suspicious behavior at parks and playgrounds. Replacing the old app that used to be popular for the phone: “Calling The Police.”

A high school teacher in New Jersey, who was often described as “cool,” will be forced to forfeit 120 days pay for discussing stripping and prostitution with female students. And that kind of behavior makes him unfit to be a New Jersey high school teacher. And perfect to be a New Jersey high school guidance counselor.

Apple introduced a series of new emojis, including a creepy clown and a gorilla that many say looks like Harambe. Great. Now all my female friends are going to think I’m a creep when I get drunk and attach clowns and gorillas to my “You Up?” texts at three in the morning.

A new survey finds that the number of Americans supporting legalizing marijuana has reached an all time high of 57 percent. While the number of Americans who support legalizing meth has also reached a record high of “WHO GAVE YOU MY PHONE NUMBER? CALL ME BACK LATER I’M BUSY PULLING ALL MY OWN TEETH OUT!DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE”

0 How To Be A Pathetic Single Guy: A short film I wrote and directed 15 years ago

November 2, 2016
by Liam
· Blog · Uncategorized

Fifteen years ago, I wrote and directed and shot a short film. Done in the educational slide show style that was popular in the New York City public schools of my childhood, it’s called “How To Be A Pathetic Single Guy.” I thought it was going to waste away on VHS, but luckily I screened it at Jay Stern and Victor Varnado’s Iron Mule Film Festival (which is still going), and Jay had converted it to digital video. Below, then, check out a much younger me:

Fun trivia note: This was edited by my buddy Steve Rosenthal, whom a decade later I would hire to edit Tell Your Friends! The Concert Film!

0 10/17/2016 Jokes I Wrote For Television

October 24, 2016
by Liam
· Blog · Jokes About The News · Liam's Notebook

Researchers have scientifically proven that keeping tomatoes in the refrigerator “greatly reduces” their flavor. The biggest surprise of this study is that this discovery was made in a real study conducted at an actual research lab staffed by adult professional scientists, and not by a lazy high school student in his mom’s car on their way to the science fair.

Russian President Vladimir Putin told members of the press that they are being spied on by American intelligence. He then added: “Except for C-SPAN. Nobody’s watching that.”

A company is working to make laxatives used for colonoscopies in flavors such as lemon, strawberry and vanilla. When asked about a chocolate flavor, a company rep explained that that was handled around the corner where fudge is made.

A New York man, who was arrested for stealing 600 dollars in cash from a 93 year-old woman’s bra, said he did it to buy himself a nice pair of shoes. Which makes sense, since the money was already being used to support a leathery pair

An Oregon man was arrested after he answered an ad on Craigslist for a snow mobile being sold by a state trooper and offered to pay for it with marijuana. Which raises an important question: “How can you place an ad selling a ‘snowmobile’ on Craigslist and be surprised when it turns into a drug deal?”

Researchers believe that extracting milk from Tasmanian devils may help kill drug-resistant bacteria and save lives. While working at a job milking Tasmanian devils will make you pray for the sweet release of death.

Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte announced that his country is “separating” from America as an ally and has found a new, better partnership with China. He then also announced that the Philippines had joined a gym, bought a 2011 Mustang convertible, and wants you to refer to China as “new mommy” when you get home from visiting the Philippines for Christmas.

According to a new report, there were more cases of sexually transmitted diseases than ever before. So congratulations to Brad Pitt for getting back out there so quickly.

A Russian man was arrested in Prague in connection to the theft of 117 million LinkedIn Passwords. Which should serve as a reminder to all of us that LinkedIn exists.

0 10/17/2016 Jokes I Wrote for Television

October 17, 2016
by Liam
· Blog

I write jokes about the news and submit them freelance to television. You can read more about it in an article the Wall Street Journal wrote about me right here. Most of these jokes don’t get accepted and go nowhere. Until now. Below are my favorites from last week.

A group of Girl Scouts in New York City are trying to raise money for the first statues ever in Central Park that would honor women. Although for safety reasons, none of the statues will have their backs to Trump Tower.

A new report shows that nearly 30 percent of New Yorkers binge drink. While the other 70 percent also smoke weed.

A new report estimates that 100,000 animals, including pigs and turkeys, now ride in airline cabins each year with their owners. Flight attendants say you can tell the difference because pigs and turkeys don’t press the call button every two minutes.

President Obama wrote an op-ed for CNN, in which he announced his hope to land humans on Mars by 2030. Time Warner then announced that they can’t get a guy out to hook up the cable until 2033.

A pendant stolen from Kim Kardashian was found in Paris near the scene of last week’s robbery. If you don’t know what a pendant is, it’s kind of an ornamental jewelry worn around the neck of a woman with a lot of money. And if you don’t know what a Kardashian is, it’s kind of an ornamental celebrity worn around the neck of a man with a lot of money.

A new Guinness world record was set in Michigan when more than 1200 couple were married in the same ceremony. Unfortunately, that record was for “number of fights at a wedding between drunk Juggalo cousins.”

It was reported that the Russian government’s cyber-espionage has not only targeted Democrats, but Republicans as well. And in related news, Gary Johnson just changed his AOL password so that it’s no longer “garyjohnson123.”

A new report shows that the best place in the world for young girls to live is Sweden. While the worst continues to be Woody Allen’s Upper East Side apartment.

Tuesday was the United Nation’s International Day of the Girl. To celebrate, they got 70 percent of the minutes every other day gets.

A woman in Utah gave birth to her baby while in a Walmart check out line. Where the father immediately tried to exchange it for a Craftsman 6 riding mower.

It was revealed that during the reign of Saddam Hussein the Iraqi Mission in New York City once had a secret torture chamber in the basement. Or as the rest of us call it, ‘The Times Square Bubba Gump Shrimp Company.’

Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf, who faced criticism for the banks’ phony account scam, retired from the company effective immediately. And closing their accounts with the bank immediately were his close friends Ston Jumpf, Don Rumpf, Bon Blumpf, and Forrest Gumpf.

Parents complained after Indian airline IndiGo announced a new “quiet zone” on their planes that bans children under 12 from sitting there. Making this the most controversial “quiet zone” for kids under 12 since Neverland Ranch.

A father and his daughter, who were visiting Arkansas’ Crater of Diamonds State Park, found a 2.03 carat white diamond. And in accordance with Arkansas custom, he immediately slipped it on her finger and asked her to make him the happiest man on Earth.

0 25 Things You May Not Know About Me

October 12, 2016
by Liam
· Blog · Liam's Notebook · Uncategorized

25. I had an ancestor who fought in the Revolutionary War. Joe McDonnell McEneaney. He led a valiant attack on Passaic, NJ, and lost 350 men before taking the town. It was an achievement marred only by the fact that the British Army was nowhere near Passaic, and in fact, my uncle was a janitor who liked to get drunk and steal officers’ clothes.

24. I have an IQ of 210. Now, the so-called “experts” want to tell me there’s a decimal in there BUT I AIN’T HAVIN NONE OF DAT

23. I was a professional stuntman for three years. My stage name was “Lawful Good Knievel.”

22. I love blueberry pancakes so much, I have married them.

21. In high school, I was bitten by a radioactive spider, and it gave me the powers and abilities of a guy who has been both poisoned and given cancer.

20. If you tell women you’re a doctor, they will take their shirt off and then get an insurance company to pay you. If you then say, “Actually, I’m a doctor of Philosophy, and I’m in this examination room also waiting to get seen” they will start yelling and punching you.

19. My work in the field of mathematics involved splitting the check at restaurants until I not only didn’t put in money but always managed to get five dollars back. This earned me a Nobel Prize in the field of Creative and Possibly Illegal Sciences.

18. My eyes are so open and innocent with wonder, I try to have a stranger teach me one new thing every day. For instance, yesterday a New York State circuit judge taught me the difference between “freelance adoption” and “kidnapping.”

17. I’m a much better fighter than most people think. The last time I got into a fight, it resulted in a black eye, a bloody nose, and a broken arm. The other guy was unhurt, but my point is I was in there.

16. I have the ability to talk to animals. However, I do not have the ability to have them understand what I say or understand what they are talking about. That’s because i have the ability to talk English to animals who only speak Chinese.

15. I love gambling. Which is a fancy way of saying I eat chicken from those street carts.

14. I answer every single email I get, especially the spam. You may laugh, but last week I went on a date with a beautiful woman name Mandarin J. Respectfully who is going to help me refinance a mortgage on my penis.

13. I wouldn’t say I love coffee, but I have had sex with it.

12. I wish I had time to watch more truly great movies, but for some reason pornhub.com doesn’t have “Citizen Kane.”

11. I taught 50 Cent everything he knows. Unfortunately, I taught him everything he knows about algebra.

10. I’ve always found the best part of hanging out with a really tight-knit group of close friends, is when one of them doesn’t show up and then you all have someone to make fun of.

09. I’ve found the secret to happiness is waking up every day and seeing a beautiful face. And yet, some people think it’s creepy that my bedroom is just wall-to-ceiling mirrors.

08. I was sick the day we learned counting in school, and have trouble with numbers.

07. This is where I was going to omit number 7 in what is the punch line to what is surely the oldest “nerd joke” on record. This is because as a writer, I am prolific, but sometimes very lazy.

06. Sure, when you’re young it’s always hilarious when someone says, “What has two thumbs and loves blow jobs” and then point their thumbs at themselves and says, “This guy.” Or they say “Have you ever seen an elephant?” and then unzips their pants and pulls their pants pockets out. Then it’s all fun and games.

But then some people get older become parents, and then it’s all like, “Liam, we hired you to be a clown at our three year-olds’ party” and there’s nothing but screaming and crying as you realize that they’re not going to pay you. This I’ve learned from bitter experience.

This is a joke I tried doing onstage many many many times when I was young, despite the unanimously terrible reaction from every audience who heard it. I hope you enjoyed it, although experience tells me you didn’t!

05. There’s a fine line between “laughing with someone” and “laughing at someone.” But there’s absolutely no line between “angrily glaring with your arms crossed” and telling your girlfriend her new haircut isn’t all that great. And I am a man who knows.

04. I own a hamster. I hate hamsters. But I love taking him to the zoo and holding him up at the snake cage and watching the snakes slam their heads against the glass enclosures over and over.

03. I absolutely cannot even stand horseradish sauce. But I’ll have sex with it anyway because I like to drink.

02. I took myself out on a date last night, and it was so awkward at dinner, when the check came, and I sat there for twenty minutes before I realized I had no intention of paying. Especially since I’d already split the check so I didn’t owe anything.

01. I don’t like to tell people my age, but let’s just say I’m finally old enough to date college girls.

Buy my latest album, Working Class Fancy, from Comedy Dynamics.

0 Greetings from sunny Los Angeles, California

October 10, 2016
by Liam
· Blog

The first week of the Great Los Angeles Experiment has begun. What happens when you take a native New York City comedian with X-Treme East Coast Grouchitude and place him in beautiful sunny Southern California where the weather is consistently perfect, and everyone, and I mean everyone and their mothers has at least one foot on the business of show? So far my pleasure receptors have been opening like the petals of a lower in this constant, unending sunlight and pleasant weather. Which would be fine, except as a New York City native, I consider it my birthright to end my unceasing complaints about the weather only in the two weeks at the end of September and the beginning of June when we get a break from the punishing heat or cutting cold. It’s genuinely disconcerting, a week into October, to have my only complaint be, “It got a little chilly last night and I had to close the window.”

But fear not, Constant Reader, for I am in Los Angeles, City of Endless Quality of Life Concerns.

A TRUE STORY THAT HAPPENED ON THE LIGHT RAIL OUT TO SANTA MONICA
There’s a light rail that runs from Downtown LA to Downtown Santa Monica. If you don’t drive, like myself, it cuts the trip from three hours to a little over one. Los Angeles is slowly making steps to make this a pedestrian-friendly town. For instance, did you know that if you hit a cyclist with your car, you now have to pay a fine of up to seventy-five dollars?

A week ago, I was sitting on the light rail, newly a resident, watching the city go past the window, wondering if I’d made the right decision to come out here, when a woman in the seat behind me started this conversation which I’m reporting word-for-word:

WOMAN: Excuse me, but, do I know you?

ME: (thinking): It’s happening! I came out to LA, and it turns out I have fans and everything’s going to be alright.
ME (out loud): I’m not sure.

WOMAN: You look like a guy… do you know someone named Jerry?

ME: No.

WOMAN: You look just like his friend.

ME: I know, I look like a lot of people’s friends.

WOMAN: Sorry to bother you.

It’s like no business I know!

0 8/17/16 Jokes About The News

August 17, 2016
by Liam
· Blog · Jokes About The News · Uncategorized

A 94 year-old man was among the first in California to commit legal suicide under the care of a doctor under the new End of Life Option Act. The man made his decision after suffering through heart disease, dementia, and a full episode of The View.

The Greenwich, Connecticut, Town Hall changed its hold music to Mozart’s symphonies, as performed by the high school’s string ensembles. Which is all part of the Greenwich city government’s clever plan to never have to speak to anybody on the phone ever again.

The 20^th anniversary of JonBenét Ramsey’s tragic murder will be celebrated this year with tasteful, wonderful specials produced by Dr. Phil, Investigation Discovery, and CBS. Continuing a year of fascination with horrible tragedies from the ‘90s, as evidenced by the Emmy-nominated Trial of OJ Simpson miniseries, and Pauly Shore’s upcoming tour with Vanilla Ice.

Investigators announced that a fire that destroyed 43 homes in northern San Francisco was found to have been started at a secret marijuana farm growing over 100 plants. Officials say the blaze caused millions of dollars in property damage, and thousands of dollars in Taco Bell sales.

Marin County, CA, retailers are stocking up on Burning Man clothing to sell to participants. The trick, the retailers say, is to make it cool enough that Burning Man participants want to wear it, but cheap enough that it doesn’t stand out on their parents’ credit card bills.

0 Jokes About The News (From A TV Submission Packet)

August 16, 2016
by Liam
· Blog · Jokes About The News · Uncategorized

The CEO of rideshare app company Lyft admitted the company loses as much as $50 million a month. And out of instinct, every single Lyft driver automatically responded: “I didn’t find it in my car.”

The city of Detroit denied a local company’s request to store metallurgical coke, a by-product of burning coal, near the Detroit River. Which is odd, because if I was looking for dirty coke, the Detroit waterfront is the first place I would look.

The 2016 Emmy Award nominations were announced last week, and the show with the most nominations was American Crime Story: The People Versus OJ Simpson. Which is why it’s no surprise that there’s already a sequel series in the works about the second biggest crime of the ‘90s: (brief montage: MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice, Sinbad, all wearing parachute pants, followed by a title: “AMERICAN FASHION CRIME STORY: THE PEOPLE VS. PARACHUTE PANTS”)

The real, actual Kato Kaelin will be at the Emmys this year, and anyone who wants to will get the chance to meet him. You’ll have to pay five, ten bucks. But all you have to do is, on Emmy night, drive down to the Microsoft Theater, turn off Olympic onto Figueroa, right up to a sign that says “Valet Parking,” and just get out and hand him your keys.

NBC, the exclusive network of the 2016 Summer Olympics, stirred up criticism from sports reporters and fans when they announced that they would air the Olympic Opening Ceremonies on a one-hour delay. Proving that even when NBC is the only network airing something, they can still find a way to be in last place.

During Major League Baseball’s All-Star Break, Commissioner Rob Manfred announced that the National League batting title would be named “The Tony Gwynn,” in honor of the late, great Padres’ Hall of Famer. While the American League batting title will be named “The Gold’s Gym Locker Room,” in honor of Yankees’ great Alex Rodriguez and the place where he first bought steroids.

The Shangri-La Ranch in New River, Arizona, hosted the first annual Nude Games. For the most part it went off well, although half a dozen men were hospitalized following the pole vault.

Blink-182 just scored their second-ever number one album a full fifteen years after their first. The band attributes their success partly to working hard and never giving up, but mostly to making music that no one under the age of 40 would steal.

Bernie Sanders was booed by a crowd of his supporters during a speech where he endorsed Hillary Clinton and said that the most important job ahead was beating Donald Trump. When asked, his supporters said they weren’t as upset about his endorsement of Hillary as they were about having to hold a job.

The official roster of speakers for the Republican National Convention in Cleveland was announced, and it includes a variety of religious figures to appeal to a wide range of preference for all different brands of worship. For instance, if you’re Christian, Jerry Falwell, Jr. will be speaking. For the Jews, they booked Rabbi Haskel Lookwell. And for Donald Trump, they’re just going to bring out a full-length mirror.

Rangers in Olympia, Washington’s National Park warned visitors to stay away from the park’s mountain goats because they’re unpredictable, and have nasty tempers and strong powerful bodies that could cause severe physical damage. Which also happens to be advice my dad once gave me about dating strippers.

The Arizona State Supreme Court ruled this week that the mere odor of marijuana is grounds for police to get a search your car for drugs. Other valid grounds include a backseat full of empty Taco Bell wrappers and being Willie Nelson’s tour bus.